Over the last several months, I have had multiple women reach out who are battling infertility. I took lots of time and have written multiple stories regarding this dreaded disease. I realized not many people are open when it comes to this battle. It is embarrassing, emotional, heartbreaking, time consuming, and a multitude of things wrapped up in one. But the biggest thing I have noticed is the lack of information and knowledge we as women receive regarding infertility. I am by no means a doctor and will never claim to be, but my own battle brought me to a whole different place in finding who I was and how to navigate the steps ahead.
This is a very vulnerable topic to discuss. But I have realized many women have faced or are facing this very same thing. Even if one person is given the slightest bit of hope… it will be worth sharing.
First off, to anyone reading this who has battled or currently battling infertility, know my heart and prayers are with you. It is one of the hardest roads to travel and answers are sometimes hard to find. My one major piece of advice is be your own advocate and keep the faith. God’s ultimate plan will prevail and your path will be a story in your book no one else can tell. I am a firm believer God answers the desires of our heart if we put our trust and faith in Him fully.
In 2014,Nick and I found out infertility was something we had to battle. I was so embarrassed and heartbroken. We had planned and wanted a family of our own from the day we met. I remember sitting in my car after our initial appointment begging God to help me understand His plan. Begging Him to show me why He chose us for this path. I cried the entire way home, numb with emotions, and not sure what the next step would entail.
I cannot begin to explain the amount of paperwork, information, medication options, tests, surgery suggestions that were thrown at me in the beginning. I was completely overwhelmed and decided I needed to take a step back to make sure I could physically and emotionally face the long road ahead… especially knowing in the end a child may not have been the outcome.
After months of research, doctor appointments, and testing, I finally found Dr. A. ( I will not put his complete name for privacy). He was literally God sent. I have never had a doctor more thorough or faithful. He was a breath of fresh air in the darkness. Dr. A never once in our journey lost faith or sight of Nick and I having a child naturally. He prayed with and for us and constantly made sure we had the most up to date and newest resolutions possible.
In January of 2015 it was decided surgery was the first step to our hopeful path. I agreed (very hesitantly) to have the surgery. I really struggled with the fact all the pain and suffering could still potentially end without a child. My faith was put to the test more times than I care to admit during this time. I am ashamed to admit how many times I questioned God and His path instead of trusting. The pain from the surgery in itself was enough to make anyone want to give up. My question over and over was ” Why am I putting myself through this without complete clarity of the outcome?” Once surgery was complete there was a short “trying period”. To which Nick and I failed. There was no sign of pregnancy or hope the surgery was successful. I cannot find the words adequate enough to explain my devastation. I fell into one of the darkest times of my life.
June 2016- Nick and I went to the most dreaded appointment of my life. We took my mom to have an extra set of ears because I was an emotional wreck. It was at that time I was told I would never physically be able to have children on my own. I would have to have help… more than just a medication. I remember sitting in the consult room after the doctor told us the information, being completely numb. I could not even find words to say what I wanted to do or what I wanted the next step to be. After what seemed like forever, Nick and I decided we would start the IVF process. However, we both agreed we would wait until we returned from our trip to Australia that was scheduled in October. Little did I know this was the first step of God’s test for me.
One month later I was sitting on my bathroom floor with 17 positive pregnancy tests, crying into the phone with my aunt that I thought I had something wrong with me because there was no way I was pregnant on my own. It was not possible. She reassured me that it could in fact be true, to stay calm, and not call my mom just yet! I was quickly reminded in that same phone conversation that “Faith even as small as a mustard seed was still faith.” I will never forget the prayer I prayed to God begging Him to let this be true and that all the pain and heartache was worth it for this moment.
I am here to tell you science can only go so far and then steps in God. Just because you are told something by a doctor does not mean it is the end all be all. God has the final say and He ultimately controls your path. Atticus, Ander, and Baby Ross are proof you can have completely healthy, natural pregnancies after battling infertility and failed treatments. My faith in God remains untouched after experiencing these three miracles He has blessed Nick and I with. Every positive pregnancy test has been a reminder that God is always in control and our faith has to go far beyond what we can see.
Every shot, medication, test, and appointment led me here. It led me to be the mother I always longed to be. Led me to find a group of women who battled the same things I did whom I will cherish for the rest of my life. Led me to speak in front of multiple people on a topic so vulnerable while allowing the raw emotions to show instead of hiding the hurt it caused. Led me to be thankful for every moment because at any time, my story could have had a much more devastating ending.
If you are walking down this very same path, know your time and answer is coming. Even if IVF is the path you have to take, know you can have completely natural pregnancies, multiple times following those treatments. Know the heartache and pain will all be worth the lesson and outcome of the process. It will not be easy. There will be days you want to give up and lose faith, but know God has your hand every step of the way and if you fully rely on Him , you will see the blessing through the entire process.
This is a shout out to all the women fighting a battle that most people will never understand.
“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37: 4